


Are all men oblivious mammy?

by Sweepo



Category: Derry Girls (TV)
Genre: Gen, Minor Character(s), Minor Original Character(s), Post-Canon
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-04-25
Updated: 2020-01-04
Packaged: 2020-02-04 09:20:43
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 20
Words: 5,736
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18601615
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sweepo/pseuds/Sweepo
Summary: Orla asks about love, Mary and Gerry aren't much help.  Then the rest of the gang arrive.





	1. Questions

**Author's Note:**

> Having seen how happy Orla was at James' return I began to wonder.

Are all men oblivious mammy?

It was an ordinary Friday afternoon in the Quinn/McCool household. Joe had gone to the shopping centre and Mary and Gerry were discussing the usual order for the chippy. Despite the fish on Friday rule being revoked in 1959 it still seemed like the right thing to do.  
At the other end of the room equally weighty issues were being discussed by a pair not known for their loquacity.

“Mammy, how do I get a boy to like me?”  
“Who is it?”  
“Well his name doesn’t sound like cat.”  
Inwardly Sarah breathed a sigh of relief that Matt O’Hare wasn’t in the frame.  
“Have you tried talking to him love?”  
“Yes.”  
“What did you talk about love?”  
“No we didn’t talk about love, it was at the party. I talked about the chocolate fountain and how I like to melt stuff.”  
“Did he reply?”  
“Well he made some funny noises, but I liked how they sounded. I even offered him my chupa chup.”  
At this point Ma Mary interjected.  
“Is it red fish for you Sarah?”  
“Aye”  
“I want 12 chicken nuggets, a small battered hot dog, plenty of onions plenty of…”  
“Should you be offering boys your chupa chup at your age Orla?”  
“It’s a lolly love,” ventured Gerry.  
“Aye but you only got one aunty Mary so you had to really like the person to give it to them.”  
At this retort both Mary and Gerry beat a retreat back to the chippy order with a muttered. “You’re on your own there Sarah love.”


	2. More questions and more people

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The gang arrives.

Are all men oblivious mammy?

Once the kitchen had returned to comparative normality Sarah decided to see what else she could find out about her daughter’s crush. Even if she didn’t give up a name Derry was a small city and everyone knew or knew of everyone else.  
“So where’d you meet this fella love, does he go to your youth club?”  
“I met him on the way to school mammy, he’s really nice and a bit shy.”  
“On the way to school?”  
“Aye mammy he’s usually in the wee shop or at the bus stop.”  
“You know Dennis is older than me don’t you love?”  
“I don’t love Dennis mammy, he shouts at us all the time and watches Little House on the Prairie.”  
Sarah made a mental note of that little fact.  
“So how do I get this boy to like me?”

Fortunately for everyone already in the kitchen, the momentary calm ended when Erin and friends clattered into the room with Michelle in full Barry Norman mode.  
“So I was watching this film I got off Pirate Pauline, it’s all about this wee lad who rocks about with an Easter bunny and visits some hoes.”  
“Hello Michelle,” countered Mary; mainly to quieten the girl down.  
“Hi Mary, say hello to everyone then Dicko.”  
“Hi.”  
At this point Mrs Quinn piped up, “If your friends want to stay for their tea they’ll need to tell Gerry what they want.”  
“A curry bap and don’t skimp on the salt.”  
“A cowboy special please.”  
“Do they do a salad butty at all?”  
“James grow a pair and order some real food. Claire’s a lesbian and she's getting a cowboy, shouldn’t you both be getting a sausage?”  
“Aye Michelle’s right James, going to Fionnula for a salad would be like going to Trampy Tara for a hug.”  
“Any more of that and you’ll get the wooden spoon in front of your friends Erin. If the wee gay fella wants a salad bap he can have it.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For those not aware of his work, Barry Norman was the UK's equivalent of Siskel & Ebert. The movie in question was North.


	3. More confusion

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mary and Sarah try to get the name of Orla's crush. Orla gets confused, or does she?

Are All Men Oblivious Mammy? More Confusion.

The discussion over the chippy order continued for several more minutes prolonged by the appearance of Grandpa Joe but eventually after a spirited debate the number of bags of chips was agreed. Gerry and Joe left with James and Michelle in tow while Erin and Claire disappeared upstairs. At this point Mary decided to involve herself.

“So who is this wee lad Orla? He’d better not be one of those Protestants you went away with. I’m all for integration but I draw the line at a mixed marriage.”  
“Calm yourself Mary, she’s only asking for advice. The way you’re going you could be in Strand Road.”  
“Aye but a mixed marriage goes against everything I stand for…”  
“So that’s bigotry, Huns and half loads sis?”  
“I’m not gonna marry him yet mammy, I just wanna get him to like me. It was nice to go to the prom with Grandpa Joe but I’d have liked this boy to ask me.”  
“OK love your Aunt Mary is just trying to help. What all did he say at the party?”  
“We only spoke for a little while then Claire hugged a Russian protestant from Belfast, Erin started shouting at Katya about a prostitute and Jenny sent us all home.”

At this juncture Sarah had one of her lightbulb moments.

“It’s not that David Donnelly is it?”  
“No mammy, sure Erin loves him. She wanted to talk to him at the party but he was busy being a DJ then she went off after Katya.”  
“So it’s not John, Matt, John Paul or David Donnelly?”  
“Mammy can you help me with my history homework?”  
“Aye love what is it?”  
“Well we’re looking at this cracker guy called Oliver Cromwell and I wanted to know how his penis protected England for eight months after he died?”  
“I’ll fetch the wooden spoon Sarah.”  
“I don’t know what you’re talking about love but maybe James would know, you can talk to him about it at tea.”

Neither Mary nor Sarah noticed the smile that flashed across Orla’s face or the glint in her eye that accompanied it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Strand Rd is the Maiden City's main city side police station, the girl's estate may have been overseen by a smaller station such as Rosemount or even a police post. Hun is a colloquial pejorative term for protestant and the Cromwell's penis reference will become clear in the next couple of chapters. Feel free to comment etc.


	4. Best features?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The conversation continues.

Are all men oblivious Mammy?

The three women sat in the kitchen and made small talk while they waited for the chippy food to arrive. Mary laid the table with cutlery, plates and cups whilst Orla and Sarah continued their conversation and watched the baby.

“So if you want this wee fella to fancy you, we’ll have to get you looking right love, you could do with a tan.”  
“No thanks Mammy, if I can’t join the Orange Order band I don’t want orange skin.”

Mary stifled a laugh before offering her opinion.  
“Your mam has a point Orla; you have to look your best and feel good if you want to get noticed. What do you think is your best feature?”  
“I love my wee fingers?”

“Orla love you’re trying to attract a wee lad not pickpocket a Ballymena man. Here he’s not from Ballymena is he?”

“No Aunty Mary.”

“That’s OK then love, wouldn’t want you shacked up with some prod from down there. Sure them uns won’t even let our ones go to chapel in July. And as for tight you need a spanner to get 50p off one.”

Fortunately for everyone’s sanity the door opened and the room filled with the outpouring of Fionnula’s fish hole.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ballymena is a primarily unionist town in County Antrim associated with the Free Presbyterian church. The stereotypical Ballymena man is protestant and tight with his cash. The chapel Mary is referring to is in the Harryville area of the town and is regularly the target of sectarian attacks during the 'Silly Season'. This is often couched along with the Drumcree / Garvaghy Road protests by loyalists. Ballymena's main nationalist estate, Fisherwick, once hosted an IRA counter-march on 12 July and this may have been a factor in the Harryville shenanigans. I wonder if Emmett was there.


	5. Dining at the Quinn's

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dinner and discussion, Gerry reveals a knowledge of hagiography.

Are All Men Oblivious Mammy?

The Quinn family kitchen was in its usual state of Friday night bedlam, chip wrappers and trays were piled up on the kitchen table and the arrival of boring uncle Colm was sucking the life out of the room. Colm had a reputation in the city, as a man who put the dead in deadpan and was recounting the tale of a funeral he’d recently attended at Saint Oliver Plunkett Church.

“Well they were just carrying the coffin into the church and the pallbearer who was called Paul clattered into the beadle who was called Jeremy which apparently was funny. I’m all for a laugh myself but not at a funeral.”

At this point James asked a question. “How did Oliver Plunkett get to be a saint if he only died in 1944?”  
“Come on now James, you know better than to ask Colm a question.” Gerry gently reminded him before adding.   
“St Oliver Plunkett was killed by Titus Oates and his boys in 1681 after being accused of plotting to kill Charles II.”

All eyes around the table then focused on Gerry but James came to his ‘rescue’.  
“Was that a rebellion or an uprising, how do you tell the difference here? I’m lost after Cromwell”

“Don’t mention that murdering English fucker at the table. No offence son.”

“But granda Oliver Cromwell was so cracker he came to Ireland to play with his toy soldiers just like in that old song. I heard it in Cool Discs the other day.”

Joe gave Orla a hard glare that was only broken by Sarah piping up.  
“Didn’t you have a question for James about Oliver Cromwell love?”

“Aye, can you explain what Sister Mícheál, meant by Oliver Cromwell’s penis protected England after he died?”   
Every eye in the room shifted to James and intensified their gaze but Orla’s stayed soft.

The only thing that broke the tension was Michelle's"Lets hear you explain this one Dicko."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In some parts of the world chapels have minor officials called beadles, these usually fulfill the roles of usher etc. James' confusion was valid as one of the Easter Rising participants was a Plunkett and his brother went by his middle name which happened to be Oliver. Cool Discs is a record shop in Derry that first opened in the mid 90's and still exists to this day on Foyle Street.


	6. Monck or Monk

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cromwell's dick is discussed and dismissed.

James visibly shuddered as the seconds passed. He wished he could hide behind someone or even wrap his scarf up around his face.

“Come on ball ache, this is about as much fun as Jenny’s Monday morning song, this better be good or I’m giving her your number and a wee teddy.”

“Jenny has chupa chups,” announced Orla to nobody in particular. 

“Aye and she can keep them,” countered Michelle.

“Come on James don’t keep us in suspense,” urged Erin.

“OK, uh let’s see. When Sister Michael was talking didn’t she mention Cromwell’s Dick?”

“Aye but Mammy said I should always use the proper words for things.”

“That’s right love.”

“Er I think Sister may have used a play on words. Instead of meaning penis she meant dick as in short for Richard.”

“You’d know all about short dicks,” muttered Michelle.

Ignoring his cousins’ wholly predictable remark James continued. “If you look at it that Oliver’s son was called Richard and reigned as Lord Protector for 8 months after his dad died you could say Cromwell’s dick protected England for 8 months.”

“Why’d he only stay for 8 months?”

“He was swerved by General Monck and never really had much backup. It was all in the lead up to the restoration of the monarchy”

At this point Sarah piped up. “Well thank you for that explanation James. Are you not gonna thank James Orla love?”

“Aye thanks James,” said Orla surreptitiously passing James her chupa chup. James palming the sweet went unnoticed by everyone bar Mary but before she could say anything she was interrupted by Joe who exclaimed.

“Monk’s a fine name for a general, especially if he scared that murdering Brit’s whelp, no offence son.”

At this Orla flashed James a beaming smile, as if to say. “Welcome to the family.”

Unfortunately Michelle caught James smiling back. “What are you grinning for ya English prick?"

James again ignored his cousins blunt force question and disastrously attempted to change the subject.

"Mrs McCool, where would I take someone for a nice meal in Derry?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sadly for Granda Joe it appears that General Monck was probably a Presbyterian. http://www.generalmonck.com/biography.htm


	7. Saved by the bell?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Minor character makes an appearance, Sarah gets the wrong idea.

“I’m flattered James but I’m a few years too old for you love,” said Sarah, totally misreading the situation.

Predictably Michelle was the first of the girls to speak up, in her usual way. “James you are such a prick. You can’t ask your mate’s ma on a date. Sure you couldn’t even buy her a drink fucko.”

Due to James’s previous good behaviour and the fact that he’d complimented her hat at the fateful wedding, Mary stepped in and tried to rescue him. “James if you want to take someone out to eat you’ll need to know what they like to eat. Do we know the wee blade?”

Fortunately at that very moment the Quinn’s phone rang and Erin dashed to answer it.

“Hello Erin Quinn speaking.”

“Hi Erin its Tara Martin is the wee limey with you?”

“Aye why?”

“I need to speak to him, its private.”

“OK, keep your knickers on…JAMES!”

James’ curls appeared around the door frame and Erin passed him the phone before scuttling back to the debate in the kitchen.

In The Kitchen.

“Who was that on the phone love?”

“Just someone from school Ma.”

“I guessed that Erin, sure James wouldn’t know anyone else in Derry. What lassie from school?”

“Tra..Tara Martin.”

Fortunately Clare asked the question everyone had on their minds. “Why is Trampy Tara ringing James on a Friday night? Do you think she’s who the dinner invite is for?”

“Is this wee girl really that poor?”

At this comment from Mary the other women in the kitchen took a fit of cackling that was only broken by the sound of James saying goodbye and the phone being put back in its cradle. Orla however merely sat with a confused look on her face before wandering into the living room and turning on the TV.

On the phone.

“Hello, who is this?”

“Hi James, its Tara from history class, can you help me with the Cromwell lesson a wee bit?”

“Sure if you can do me a favour in return.”

“OK can you explain the Cromwell’s dick thing please?”

At this James launched into an edited version of the previous explanation before asking where he would go for dinner in Derry. 

“I would love to go to the River Inn but Chris doesn’t really drink so we end up in cafes a lot. You could also try the Grand Central. Who is the girl you’re cracked up on?”

“I’ll tell you in school, she might say no. See you on Monday.” 

“OK, good luck.”

As he put down the phone James braced himself for the onslaught in the kitchen, wishing he could just tell Orla how he felt.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Blade / Cutty were 80's terms for a girl in some country areas of Ulster. Cracked up on meant to fancy someone in the vernacular of the same period. Whilst Tara may have been too young to use the term it'd fit for her mother or Mary. I figured that with James and Tara being at the despised end of the social scene, albeit for different reasons they may well have interacted. This seemed better than using a contrived OC.


	8. Sound and Fury

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> James gets blistered.

James steeled himself for the impending shit storm, crossed himself and opened the door. For a split second he had an image of the early Christians being thrown to the lions which was then replaced by Macbeth’s idiot’s tale. Full of sound and fury was how the 3 girls approached James’s perceived iniquity.

Oddly Clare was the first to speak up; asking if he’d had a bump on the head and if not would he like one. Her slightly gentler approach was, however, eclipsed by Erin and Michelle’s line of questioning and intimidation.

Erin led off her attack with. “Fuck me James, actually if you’ve been at Trampy Tara you can cancel that you’ll be contagious past Christmas. Do you wannae catch every disease known to man? Did you actually think this through or were you like using the force?”

“She only rang to,” attempted James by way of return.

“I ought to ring your neck ya English prick.”

Clare again piped up to opine that, “Maybe that’s the problem; he’s English and can’t get a girl on the city side.”

Erin considered this gem before returning to the fray with, “Either way, does it take much to pull Trampy Tara?”

“Probably not but by the time me ma gets done with him he’ll be a eunuch kipping at the Caw roundabout.”

James blanched visibly at the thought of the bollocking he’d get from his auntie Deirdre before sheepishly saying, “But she only rang to find out about Cromwell’s dick.”

“That wee cutty’s had more dick ends than weekends James. And what are ye at taking her for dinner? Sure you’d get a buck at her for a bottle o’ hooch and a bag o’ chips.”

At this point Sarah piled into the debate with a badly thought out question. “When did you start fancying girls James? I thought you were gay”

Showing a greater grasp of English historical trivia than her teachers would have expected Erin then asked. “James do you want your dick the way Cromwell wanted his portrait? I don’t think your aunt keeps that much penicillin in the house.”

“In the house; sure Sweeny’s down Quayside wouldn’t keep that much in stock,”

At long last Mary came back into the conversation; she quietened the three girls down with the threat of the wooden spoon before gently asking. “James, are you sure this wee doll is right for you? She sounds like she’d need to confess to a few things.” 

James visibly reddened at Mary’s question as he tried to think of a way out of his predicament but all he could think of was what his aunt would say. He knew she would inevitably invite comparison between Tara and his mother and didn’t want anyone to hear that, especially as the girl he wanted wasn’t Tara.  
The only bright side he could was that Gerry had given Joe and Colm a lift to Badger’s for a pint and Orla wasn’t in the room. Come to think of it where was Orla?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bit more Derry local knowledge. The Caw roundabout is the traditional border between the Waterside and the Bogside, i.e the protestant and catholic parts of the city. As a catholic this would be tantamount to excommunication for James. Sweeny's is a Derry chemists that has been in the city roughly 120 years and Badger's is a bar near the Derry forum that has been running for the last 30 years. It is also the site of a 20ft mural depicting the main characters in the show. Once I figure out how to add pictures to my works I'll get a few uploaded.
> 
> In this instance hooch isn't an ilicit drink but an early example of an alcopop originally sold in a green bottle and lemon flavoured.


	9. Orla's POV or Meanwhile in the living room

Meanwhile In The Lounge.

Orla had walked out of the kitchen as soon as Mary asked about Tara being poor. She’d sat in the lounge and tried to make sense of what was going on with the TV playing to make it seem like she wasn’t bothered about the chatter in the kitchen. 

Flicking through the 5 channels on the Quinn’s TV set never took that long on a Friday night so Orla found herself listening to the Stasi style interrogation in the kitchen more and more. She ran the gamut of reactions to what she heard, from confusion as to why Clare would hit James over a phone call, to wanting to protect him from her cousin and an urge to run to the chemists to see if Michelle was right.

Eventually she realised that the problem was partly with James, he just hadn’t noticed her interest or was too oblivious to do so. Her mind flashed back to the occasions she’d tried to let him know how she felt.

The first stop in her reverie was at the talent show at school. Everyone had been watching her do her step routine and then the gang had joined her onstage. Erin, Clare and Michelle had collapsed into a group hug and she had thrown her arms around James. Unfortunately their good spirits had been extinguished by the news of the bomb attack so she knew that wasn’t the right time.

The next stop on her journey was the party at Jenny’s. She’d remembered telling James about the chocolate fountain but that had been around the time where she had first viewed him as more than a friend, this was after she’d seen him kiss glow in the dark Katya and felt a twinge of jealousy. She felt in her pocket for a fruit pastille.

The day she thought James was really going to notice her was the day of the presidential visit. The rest of the girls had been upset when he’d said he was leaving but Orla had somehow known he’d never leave them, although he had come close. While everyone else was watching the Guildhall stage she’d been watching for her beloved and had been the first to spot him on the wall at the Magazine Gate. She’d run and jumped into his arms and kissed him but then everyone else had caught them up and the moment had been lost.

Orla made a decision, she was going to tell James how she felt and nobody, not her friends, or family or even Trampy Tara was going to stop her. Now where should she choose for dinner? Who could she ask? She headed for the kitchen.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In the pictures of the stage in front of the Guildhall its hard to tell which gate James is on so i took a punt. What type of food does Orla prefer, we've seen her eat some serious concoctions?


	10. A Quick Call

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The title says it all, a quick call. Orla marks her territory.

Orla was about to head into the kitchen when she had a sudden attack of common sense. She turned on her heel and went out into the hallway. Picking up the phone she dialled 1471 and waited for the phone to connect.

“Hello Derry 650222.”

“Hi can I talk to Tara please?”

“Speaking, is that you Orla?”

“Do you love James?”

“What? No sure I’m with Chris. What is goin’ on there?”

“Is he the wee Chinese man? He’s cracker too, bye.”

Orla left the phone lying on the telephone table and went into the kitchen to see what was happening. Unfortunately she hadn’t replaced it in the cradle meaning that Tara could hear every word from the kitchen…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whilst the number Derry 650222 may exist I figured it'd be OK to use as when given a Belfast code it is the police exchange.


	11. What Tara heard at the Quinn’s?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After a call, always make sure you hang up properly.

Orla put the phone down and walked back into the kitchen. The ‘action’ had tailed off a little but the girls were still sniping at James despite Mary’s attempts to chill things out. As a result Orla decided to take a break.

“Mammy can you do my hair please?”

“Aye love, pass me the brush.”  
A few moments of grooming passed with random insults being lobbed at James and then the first bombshell dropped.  
“Oh and Tara loves that wee prawn cracker fella from the prom.”

Every head turned to look at Orla who was blissfully unaware of what effect her comment would have until her mother stopped brushing her hair.

Predictably Erin was the first to ask, with a little bite in her manner. “And how would you know that?”

“While you were all shouting at poor James I couldn’t hear the telly so I rang and asked her. Why is the Kelly show so long Mammy?”

Michelle piped up at this point with, “Aye right Orla, did ye run out of fruit pastilles, why would Trampy Tara retire her fanny for a yellow midget from Donegal?”

“You had her riding a wee limey earlier Michelle,” added Clare.

“This is Trampy Tara we’re talkin’ about.”

Orla and James exchanged glances at this juncture, hers said I tried and his said thank you, the girls didn’t notice but Sarah and Mary did. Realising that a storm was brewing,   
Mary decided to take a hand at this point and with Sarah in tow she went into the hall to ring the Martins. As she bent to pick up the phone she could hear a voice shouting, “Orla, you didn’t hang up properly I can hear you in the kitchen.”

“Hello is that THE Tara Martin? This is Mary Quinn, Erin’s mommy. What exactly is goin on?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> On occasion an old landline phone wouldn't break connection if one person left the phone off the hook. I figured this device could be used to heighten tension.


	12. Mary’s 2nd Interrogation.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mary & Sarah talk to Trampy Tara.

Are all men oblivious Mammy?

“Aye Mrs Quinn, this is Tara. What’s goin’ on there? Is everything OK?”

“Are you courtin’ wee James?”

“Nobody says courting anymore Mary,” opined Sarah.

“No, sure I only rang to find out about Richard Cromwell. He asked me where to go for dinner.”

“And what did you tell him? I want the truth now young lady.”

“I told him I liked the River Inn down Shipquay Street but that Chris usually drags me to cafes.”

“Is the food good there?” Sarah asked being more absent- minded than usual.

“Who’s that?”

“That’s my sister, Orla’s mammy,” explained Mary.

“Oh hello Mrs McCool, is Orla OK? She rang and asked if I loved James. Is there something going on? I didn’t even know she had my number.”

“That’s what we wannae know, did James tell you who he was takin’ out? You’d better be telling the truth to us now.”

“No, I asked him who he was cracked up on but he didn’t say. I think he was embarrassed to ask but he knows I’ve been about in Derry.”

At that Sarah stifled a laugh and Mary thanked Tara for her help before hanging up the phone.

“So how are we gonna get the bars?”

“We could beat it out of the wee English fella. Nothin’ serious just a few slaps.”

“I dunno if that’s a good idea Sarah, softly softly catchy monkey.”

“Aye right enough if he’s after takin me out I can hardly slap him. Not unlesss he tries tae shift me.”

Fortunately for Mary’s sanity Orla shouted in from the kitchen, “Me and James are goin’ to Dennis’s for sweeties do you want anything?”

Sarah and Mary exchanged looks before sharing a light-bulb moment and bumping into each other as they made for the kitchen door.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The bars is a Derry term for the news, similar to one usage of the word craic. I did use it slightly out of it's conventional form which is usually what's the bars?


	13. The Professionals in Derry.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> More questions and some knowledge.

Sarah and Mary crashed through the kitchen door like an Ulster Bodie & Doyle and were shocked at what they saw. They’d expected to catch James and Orla in a torrid embrace but instead were shocked at the propriety of what was happening. James was sitting with a battered copy of Prince Rupert: The Last Cavalier explaining the fact that Rupert had fought on and practically become a pirate after the death of Charles I. He had an earnest look on his face that made him look like he was imparting knowledge as an act of love.

Orla was listening intently but looking at James the way a hungry dog eyes a bone, her face furrowed in a mix of concentration and adoration. 

Sarah and Mary were reluctant to break up what they saw as it appeared so wholesome but a shared glance reassured each of them that the other was also interested to find out more. 

Mary spoke first, in her usual blunt way. “Right you two, we’re just off the phone with your wee friend Tara. Looks like you’ve some explaining to do.”

“Aye where’d everyone else go?” added Sarah.

“Michelle’s away up home to get a spade Mammy.”

“Now stop lyin’ love, what would Michelle need a spade at this time of night for?”

“She said something about getting her hole and she’ll get a cracker one with a spade.”

At this Mary decided to take charge of proceedings. “Right James, what is going on, who are you chasing after?”

Blushing redder than a post box with a nervous smile on his face James looked Mrs Quinn in the eye and said. “Her.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Prince Rupert: The Last Cavalier is a book by Lord Charles Spencer.


	14. Gerry finds out

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gerry finds out.

The directness of James’s admission momentarily stunned the two older women. Sarah of course got the wrong end of the stick.

“James, I told you I can’t go out with you, I’m not much younger than yer mammy.”

Mary rolled her eyes back in her head about as far as Coleraine and almost suffered a mental derailment before gathering her wits and re-entering the conversation.  
“I think he means your daughter Sarah.”

Sarah looked over at Orla and James who were coyly smiling at each other and broached one of the big concerns that had crossed everyone’s mind.

“Here Mary, what’s Daddy gonna think if he sees our Orla lumbering a wee limey, how angry will he be?”

“They won’t be able to measure it with existing technology,”

All four of them jumped as they heard the front door open.

Everyone breathed a sigh of relief as they heard Gerry “Only me Mary love, yer Da’s away to the Grand Central with Maeve. What’s happening here?”

"We've a relationship on our hands love," replied Mary.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The Grand Central is a bit of an old man's bar on the Strand Road in Derry. It's been there since the 1920's and would be a more natural watering hole for Granda Joe. Coleraine is a town 30 miles east of Derry with a population that is 68% protestant and 24% catholic at the 2011 census.


	15. Gerry's Opinion.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gerry gets involved.

After taking off his jacket Gerry tried to get up to speed. “OK love, tell me the worst, who knocked our Erin up; how’d you get into this James son?”

“It’s not Erin love.”

“Orla?”

“Nobody’s pregnant Gerry, it’s a new relationship. How’re we going to deal with this?”

Breathing a sigh of relief, Gerry showed how unaware he could be by asking. “What is there to deal with, who are we talking about?”

With an exasperated sigh Mary turned to her husband and said, “Who’s in the room love?”

“Sarah?”

“Guess again.”

“Orla?”

“And who else?”

“James?”

“Can you take this on yourself?”

“James and Orla?”

“Well done. And can you think why this could be a problem?”

“No sure James is a great wee lad it’s not his fault he’s …Oh shite, he’ll kill him.”

“Gerry you played a blinder, you win a coconut.”

The three grownups turned to look at Orla and James who were gazing into each other’s eyes without a care or a clue.

Sarah chimed into the conversation with. “Mebbe it’ll be OK, after all Kathy’s from Derry and so was his Da, I think.”

Mary considered this for a nanosecond before replying. “I think we’d better ring Deirdre, she might know something about it.”

"Are you sure Mary, that Deirdre Mallon's always been a bit fly, a wee bit sleekit?"


	16. Deirdre and Martin

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Word gets to Deirdre and Martin.

It was early evening in the Mallon house. Both Deirdre and her husband Martin were finished work for the day and had indulged in the usual Derry tradition of Fionnula’s on Friday. They had just settled down in front of the TV and a copy of Kays catalogue (kitchenware section) when the phone rang.

“Hello Mallon’s residence.”

“Deirdre its Mary, we need a word. It’s about your…”

“What’s Michelle done now, I’ll feckin kill ‘er?”

“Nothin’ as far as I know, it’s about James, you’d better dander over.”

“Martin! I’m away to Mary’s, James is up to somethin’.”

Martin merely grunted as he watched his wife rush out the door. He waited until she had disappeared from sight before going to the phone and tapping in a national number beginning 0171.


	17. Londonderry Calling

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Martin rings Kathy.

Are All Men Oblivious Mammy?

Meanwhile In a Leafy London Suburb.

Kathy Maguire had just finished her eyebrow maintenance regimen and sat down to eat, with her mind on her sticker business. As she absent-mindedly raised the first forkful of her weightwatchers quiche to her mouth she was jarred back to reality by the harsh tone of her phone ringing in the hall. 

“Hello Ealing treble six treble nine.”

“Kathy, it’s me Martin.”

“James has been up to something, Deirdre’s away to Mary’s to talk it over.”

“Up to what?”

“I dunno but if they can’t talk it over on the phone it must be huge. And if James is in trouble rather than Michelle…”

“Do you think they know?”

“I’m still walking and talking what do you think?”

“Keep it that way!”

The dial tone snarled in Martin’s ear and he shuddered at the thought of what Sarah, Mary and his wife would do to him. Not to mention his daughter and ‘nephew’.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> With a freephone prefix 666999 was the RUC's confidential telephone line. Oh and with regard to my comment an entry is NI slang for an alley or in Lancs a ginnel.


	18. Weather Warning

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Deirdre arrives at the Quinn's.

Are all men oblivious mammy?  
Weather Warning.

James and Orla were sitting in the kitchen of the Quinn’s house when they heard footsteps coming up the path. 

Crossing himself James mumbled. “Here’s aunt Deirdre now I hope she’s in a good mood.”

Sarah and Mary noticed this but merely exchanged glances while Gerry suddenly found an interesting article in the Derry Journal.

The door rattled and Deirdre walked up the hall, Orla was her usual ditzy self but James had gone from ghostly to a whiter shade of pale.

The door swung open and Storm Deirdre hit the kitchen.  
“Right James, what have you said, done or pissed on this time? I’m just home from work and I have to come and deal with your nonsense. What have you to say for yourself?”

Sarah offered “It’s not quite that simple there are national issues at stake.”

At this point, seeing the look on Deirdre’s momentarily silent face Mary stepped in.  
“Look James has a crush but it’s not as simple as that. Their family has anti English elements.”

“Oh it’s the English thing?”

“Yes and yet no. Oh and we’re all involved too.”

“I’ll be disappointed if it’s the gay thing.”

“Once again, not gay.”

“No apparently the gay thing was a phase, it’s a wee doll.”

At this Deirdre arched her eyebrows and gave James a hard stare.  
“Have you been up the Creggan, what are you doing chasing wee girls up there you know they’re all head melters?”

“She’s not from the Creggan, you know her Aunt Deirdre,” replied James close to tears.

“Calm yourself Deirdre the wee girls a rare duck but she’s got a heart of gold.”

At this point Orla piped up, “Aww thanks Aunt Mary.”

Deirdre turned her head at this fresh contribution and simply said, “Orla?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The Derry Journal is the local paper first published in 1772. Nearby town Dungiven even had a send up of Free Derry Corner that read, "You are now entering Free Derry Journal Country."  
> The Creggan is one of Derry's least salubrious estates often associated with republican violence and currently infamous following the murder of Lyra McKee.  
> Storm Deirdre was a real storm that hit Ireland in December 2018.


	19. What do we tell Joe?

Are all men oblivious mammy?

James noticed the look on his aunt’s face as she repeated the word Orla. It appeared to him to be a mixture of confusion, sympathy and maybe even fear. He attempted to steel himself for the expected barrage of questions and critique.  
Taking a moment to gather her thoughts Deirdre, in a surprisingly calm voice asked the first question she had on her mind.  
“OK so these two think they’re in love. How far has it got?”

With a hasty glance at her sister Mary offered her take on the situation.

“Well Deirdre we only heard about it in the last few hours after Orla asked how she got a boy to like her.”  
“Holy mother o’ God I thought you were gonna say he’d got her in trouble. I thought he was gay until a few minutes ago. Why have you called me round?”  
“Well it’s a delicate situation isn’t it?”

At this interjection Deirdre aimed a stare at Sarah who withered.  
Fortunately Mary took up the slack in the conversation and pointed out the problem.

“It’s the English thing; it might not go down to well in certain circles.”  
“You mean the wee dicks in the estate or the ‘boys’?”  
“Worse.”  
“Worse?”  
“Aye your Michelle doesn’t know and neither does Joe. You know how he feels about the Brits.”  
“What do you want to do?”  
“So we figured if we knew who his dad was it might help Joe get over it.”  
“No, he is not an Englishman. He was born in England; but being born in a stable does not make a man a horse.”

Every head turned to see who had come up with this gem but Orla had her head in a gaudily decorated book and her hand in James’s.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The Englishman quote is an adaptation of what Daniel O'Connell said in 1843 about the Duke of Wellington. O'Connell was a campaigner for Irish suffrage known as The Liberator / Emancipator.


	20. Halcyon Days.

Are all men oblivious Mammy?

Following Orla’s unexpected savantism, the three parents in the room formed a semi-circle to discuss the ‘situation’. James and Orla sat in the living room looking at a book and occasionally sharing a laugh. It was an altogether pleasant way to spend Friday night but both groups knew that this was merely the calm before the storm. Orla of course was blissfully ignorant but James and the adults knew it was just a matter of time and who started the carnage.

Gerry Kelly had just started his coin game when a key scraped in the front door. 4/5 of those in the house stiffened and involuntarily shuddered as Michelle’s voice echoed up the hall.

“Muthafuckas!”

“Sssh Michelle, you’ll wake the dead,” muttered the timorous Claire.

Erin offered “Aye me mam won’t be too pleased about the shouting.”

“Here where’s James and Orla?”

“They’ve probably gone to the wee shop for sweeties.”

“Here let’s see what’s on the telly.”

The three turned towards the living room but before they could open the door a stern voice called out, “Girls can you come into the kitchen please!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Gerry Kelly's coin game involved guessing heads or tails on a pile of oversized fake coins. UTV was always a bit behind the times.


End file.
